America Hates Talent

Here's a previously shared script that may help to explain why the vicious FOX Network took such an interest in murdering me with my own work when my guard was down. Host: We're here with our three finalists, whose dull, artificial performances have most impressed our panel of corrupt, elitist judges. Whenever a race for the finish line is this tight, we must determine our winner by interviewing each finalist. And let's start with Bert, since he stands first from the left. Bert, that was just about the most gutless rendition I've ever heard of what was supposed to be a passionate rock ballad. Congratulations. Bert: Thank you. Host: Aren't you worried that the song's author might protest your violation of his copyright? Bert: No, I wrote it, myself. Host: You wrote it yourself? Oh oh! That makes you too much like an artist, Bert. I'm afraid our judges must disqualify you on that basis. Bert: But- Host: Get off the stage! (Exit Bert.) Shelly, your cloying brand of pablum pop is just the thing to keep our millions of followers safely trapped in the suffocating fog of a corporate cloud-cuckoo-land. Where did you find such a delightfully empty sounding song? Shelly: I stole it from my eleven-year-old sister. Host: Well, that still technically makes it your family's property, but your crime of stealing it keeps you in the game. Dustin, where did you learn to bleat like that? It simply drives the girls wild. Dustin: I grew up on a sheep farm. Host: I see. And did you steal your song from one of the sheep? Dustin: No, I stole it from another contestant who stole it from a starving widow. Host: Did you hear that? I think we have a winner, folks. Judges? Yes, by removing yourself twice as much as your nearest competitor from the ownership of a bad song, you have earned enough points to be today's champion on America Hates Talent! Take a bow, Dustin! (Cheers.) And now, why not lead us into the commercial break with a well earned encore? Dustin: (taking the stage as girls scream) When you left me, I felt so ba-a-a-a-a-ad... You took all the love I ha-a-a-a-a-a-ad...
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.